Im Receiving Wisdom

I was listening, processing, trying to do the rooster *AHAHAHAHA* and i was coming up very short on words to say, things to respond with, wisdom to impart. Really? Now? I once again quickly came to realize how utterly dependent i am to His wisdom. Without it, i really cant "help" anybody. *sigh* =="  My words just get extremely tangled, and i get kind of dumb in the head. Kind of the story of my life.

So, like usual, im feeling a little bit vulnerable and put on the spot. Im kind of cornering myself and making long pauses and doing my "part time job". Only i know what i am doin.>.<"

"God, I need Your wisdom now"

(lets just assume James 1:5 is the basis of this. If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him.)

This is probably what i say to my heart every single time i meet with someone. Im kind of utterly dependent and im realizing very clearly how quickly i can become lost in my own thoughts. Hmmmmmm. *speechless + sigh*

Thanks for giving me nice nuggets of wisdom every time. Small convos, big convos, all alike. Even if they werent the most profound words from some deep heart concept or, or even if the person doesnt walk away with new revelation. I love how real He give a chance to get through this silly lilly lifes. 

This is another chapter of my life. It was very difficult to come back to it and try to make sense of all that i have experienced through the various stages of my life and the trials that i have endured or overcome. I wish that i could say that i have completely pulled myself through this period of not knowing who i am, however in contrast, the struggle to regain solid ground has been all uphill and the burden of feeling lost in my world became more confused, and a period of testing that i am not even sure how i survived this time, :") except by the grace of God and the support of my friends and theLOVEone. I am confident, however, that these trials that i have been going through are going to work out for the good, eventually. I should probably give a brief overview of what has been going on this past year. A terrible depression consumed me and is still weighing heavy over me. Depression is the most crippling disease a person can develop. Everyone had their own bad story aite? :') It consumes the very spirit in a person and takes over, relentlessly destroying its captive in ways i cant even begin to understand or describe. Bcoz my depression overwhelmed my life, i could not help my love to overcome his problems. Im so sorry dear :'( 

I was thinking about my life. Why must this things happen to me? It just a memory la Katie. Come on.... Hmmmmm.. >.<" Then i began dealing with a physical illness that was brought on by the depression and stress in my life.

My friends always stayed with me, especially Zarina, and truly she has been my strength through many days when i only wanted to give up. This time has given us a new, stronger precious bond in which we share, and together we are facing some of the most difficult challenges, and i thank God every day for blessing me with such an amazing and kind friends. Actually, all of my babes are amazing :") and i am so blessed to have them in my life. Jokingly, i say "I dont know what i ever did right to deserve to be blessed so greatly with such precious friends" but truly, and with all seriousness, they are a gift to my life, and I cant thank God enough for them. God, thanks for the great gift that u gave to me. :") God Bless Me <3

WHEN WE DIE - Bowling For Soup

Well, I know that it's early And it's too hard to think And the broken empty bottles Are reminder in the sink

But I thought that I should tell you If it's not too late to say I can put back all the pieces They just might not fit the same

'Coz nothing's worth losing Especially the chance to make it right

And I know that we're gonna be fine And the tattooed mistakes Are gonna fade over time As long as we live, time passes by And we won't get it back when we die

Well, I know it's been years now And I don't look the same And the hopes and dreams you had for me You thought went down the drain

And the room feels so empty Where my pictures used to be And I can't say that I blame you But you can't blame me

'Coz nothing's worth losing Especially the chance to make it right

And I know that we're gonna be fine And the tattooed mistakes Are gonna fade over time As long as we live, time passes by And we won't get it back when we die

Come over, come over, 'coz  I gotta know If I am doing this all on my own Come over, come over How can I show you if you're not here

And I know that we're gonna be fine And the tattooed mistakes Are gonna fade over time As long as we live, time passes by And we won't get it back when we die

And I know that we're gonna be fine And I know that we're gonna be fine And the tattooed mistakes Are gonna fade over time As long as we live, time passes by And we won't get it back when we die

Come over, come over Come over, come over Come over, come over (I gotta know) We won't get it back when we die (I know that it's early)

When You Really Love Someone

What loves mean to me: 

Love is not selfish, its something u share n love comes in every shape, colours and sizes. To me, love is the sickness we all want to feel. Love is accepting, caring and kind. When u’re not looking, its something u’ll find. Love is who u were born to be. Love is when u accept people like me. Love is something that u care about. Love is something u feel, when u’re not full of doubt. Love is accepting both the good and the bad. And love is when u hold someone who’s feeling rather sad. But, sometimes, i feel that mybe its the best way if i all alone. Love? Love hurts, Love scars, Love wounds and mars. Any heart not tough or strong enough to take a lot of pain. The truth is i still cant forget what happen in my past. Its hurting me so much, no one knows how hard i bear this pain. I just hope that someone who really loves me, will come into my life and make me shine again. Now, i still cant find my way. Im still at the dark place, i cant see happiness, i cant see anything. Im blind. i feel so broking up, and sometimes i feel i wanna give up. Like there are no hope for me..................... 

 Now, i just hope theLOVEone didnt hurt me. God, Help me get through this all okay? I dont wanna be hurted again.Im sick of this all. Richie, i love you because u make me happy, i love u becoz u make me feel safe and secure. I love your smile. I love the look in your eyes when you tell me you love me and how u laugh at me when i do something stupid or spoiled myself in front of u. I love the fact that when im around u i can be myself and not worry about what u may think of me, bcoz i know u love me for who i am. The reality hits that u are not a dream, YOU ARE MINE. I love the way u wrap ur arms around me and hold me really tight, like there is no tomorrow. I love the way i feel when ur lips barely touch mine for a kiss syg. *sigh* Hmmmm. My love and emotions that go through me at that moment are unexplainable dear, im speechless. And, and i love hearing u tell me that u love me, u could tell to me a thousand

times, and i will never get tired of them, because im a part of u. Even sometimes u are so annoying, hmmmm. What to do. No one is perfect aite? But the main reason i love u is because u are u....

 ~I LOVE YOU R~

PA MCM MUKA KU CTOK?? AHAHHAHAA. LAWAK AIEEE :D

Really Really Really Sad

Bloggiiiiiiieeeee !!!!! totally sad ar !!!! x"(((((((((((((((((( mun pat aeq mta drah skali klua, nang dah klua la nya. xtahan g ku cmtok. nang stress alu2!!! I JUST CAN SAY IM REALLY DEEPLY HURTING, BROKEN !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! x'((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( Uwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa !!!!!! ku dahlh xkuat, byak mslah g mk pk, dh cgek, cgek g mslah, astagaaaa. guz mati jak !! AMENNN!! AMEN!! AMEN !! AMEN !!! I WISH I DIE TONIGHT.................... ritok bpa kali dh ku dgr lgu Yours To Hold ya.. so touching.... Bloggie, nya da pdah something an ku tek, ku xpat timak pa nya pdah ya. dhlh xda mud, tryin to cheer myself up. smpey ku tpksa pura2 ku okay, p pas nya mdah dkya, OH GOSH. lemah trus ku. mgalir indah aeq mata. G ingat ku, ku xpnah mmahaminya, paloi ku kan bloggie??? nang pun. aku bdo, ank malang. spa nok bsama an aku, sorry coz ssahkan hdp torang. aku xpat brik kbahagiaan kat torang, kat kwan2 ku, family, and theLOVEone, SO so sorry to all of u. aku asa bsalah alu2 an torang, especially kwan2 ku ya, sorry guys coz xda lpak2 an torang g. Lpak drik smpey xingat kwn, jaik aku kan?? and my LOVE , i really2 didnt mean to hurt u, i love u syg. im sorry 4 everything that i've done to you. Im sorry coz im not the right girl 4 u. i messed it all up, i had no idea why i gettin myself into this problem, i just wanna say im sorry 4 everything that happened just now. Something that i am living deep inside, depicts the illusion of myself and all i have to hide. Sayang....,, im sorry k. x'((((((((

"Im sorry for everything u've been through It must been very hard on u Im sorry for all thats been said and done I was the star and u were the mon Im sorry for not making everything right But the situation i was in, was very tight Im sorry for not lending u a hand If only i could be a better girlfriend Im sorry if it seemed like i didnt care Im sorry for breaking ur heart"

Love is grand, yet it hurts so much. The price u pay is high and if i could choose between love and death, i'd rather choose to die.they say, most of them, if u die, u r free from all problems that keep haunting u. No wonder la byk lu suicide blaku. But , honetly, i feel emptiness, lost, alone, sad, hated, scared, doubt, im confusing with this <3 , this story of my life . I HATE MY LIFE SO MUCHHHHHHHHH !!!!!!!!!!!! x'(((((((( OFF !!!!!!! BYE bloggie, n thanx 4 accompany me tonight. Tell him that i love him so much k? How do i live without u myLOVE. x'(((( Hmmmmmmm..... GBU all.... once again, im so so so damn sorry...........

IM NOT PERFECT FOR YOU. IM SORRY. x'(

They CHILL my night

Hey bloggie :) Ehehee. stakat ok kondisi ku, ehee. cuma worry sal keadaan dunia yg makin ary makin teruk. ugh! x| hmmm.. btw, td ku klua an Atud (pama), n kwannya Viey. ehee. mek owg agak MCD~ mgidam eh. ehehee, Yummm2, torang ada x? xdaaaa, neyyyy. Bluueeekksss. ehehee. xlama jak klua tek, gak MCD, kakya trus blit. ilek2 di umah jak, on9 jk kja, facebooking 24 jam smpey mata jd itam. LOLs. hmmm. mlm marek pun ku klua juak, g Revo party rah Imperial Mall hotel an Ballesteros, Richie Mick, Atud, n Alex.

Firstly, nang boring laaa.. lma2 , astagaaa, lemah plak lutut ku. fuhhhhh. bnyak gilak dosa, ney nda. pasya, mek owg agak Submarine jak. mnum cya. Atud an Richie jk still stay, nok len balit daaa. :) Kat submarine cya klaka smpe tetak2, paloi ada. nang lawak laa. AHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHAHAA *hnya Tuhan jk yg tauk* ehehee. dahla bru blit dari *party Tuhan*, ingat mok insaf tek. P xjd laaa. =.=" aiyaaaaa. Budak2 jaman sikalang manyak ssah lor. x) Ermmm. Bloggie, aku rindu eh an "abg angkat" ku ya. xD ahahahahaa. Nah pa dipolah nya kinek, msg ku pun nya x eply, kali tdo eh. X mok la ngaco nya. Bia nya jd Sleeping Beauty cya. ehehee. x) SWEET~
Syg, i love u aa. U love me??? *tatuk mode on* xP Ouhya, syg, i got one song for u. Jap k? Me nyanyi......... xP eheee. eheemmmm2....

"Here we are, in the best years of our lives.

With no way of knowing, when the 

Whee'll stop spinning cause we don't

Know where we're going...

And here we are, on the best day of our lives.

And it's a go, lets make it last, so cheers you 

All to that, 'cause this moment's never comin' back

I used to know her brother, but I never

Knew I loved her, 'till the day she laid her

Eyes on me. Now I'm jumpin' up and down, 

She's the only one around, and she means

Every little thing to me

I've got your picture in my wallet, and your

Phone number to call it, and I miss you more,

Whenever I think about you. I've got

Your mixed tape in my Walkman, been so

Long since we've been talkin' and in a few

More days, we'll both hook up, forever and ever

And here I am, on the west coast of 

American and I've been tryin' to think for weeks of

All the ways to ask you, And now

I've brought you to the place, Where I've 

Poured my heart out, a million times, for a million

Reasons, To offer it to you

I used to know her brother, but I never

Knew I loved her, 'till the day she laid her

Eyes on me. Now I'm jumpin' up and down, 

She's the only one around, and she means

Every little thing to me

I've got your picture in my wallet, and your

Phone number to call it, and I miss you more,

Whenever I think about you. I've got

Your mixed tape in my Walkman, been so

Long since we've been talkin' and in a few

More days, we'll both hook up, forever and ever

I used to know her brother, but I never

Knew I loved her, 'till the day she laid her

Eyes on me. Now I'm jumpin' up and down, 

She's the only one around, and she means

Every little thing to me

I've got your picture in my wallet, and your

Phone number to call it, and I miss you more,

Whenever I think about you. I've got

Your mixed tape in my Walkman, been so

Long since we've been talkin' and in a few

More days, we'll both hook up, forever and ever"

You know this song aite syg? Lagu FM Static ya bah, MOMENT OF TRUTH <3 :)
I dedicate this song to you. I LOVE YOU SO MUCH RICHIE :')

Fix me? :'(

     

Bloggie dear, malang na hari tok koh. mcm2 bnda blaku, ku asa mati bgus g bah. Xda msalah, tenang asa. bna x? Hopefully mati awal. AMEN. ppfffttttt. benciiiiiiiiiiiiiii!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! knak la ada biak nok xpuas aty indah an aku, knl pun sik. sialllllllll!!!! Bna2 hot la ku tek, cibaaaaiiiiiii itu pompuan!!!!! x| P ku nang puas aty bab dah kasi kemek nya pun hidung, sak ko. ya boh cari hal an ku paloi! Grek ko ya pun sma juak cam ko, nama jak lelaki, bertatoo p pngecut! paloi ada. 2 kali 5 la torang ya, bab yala, fkir lok sblom mk sbar cta bulak ko ya. kan dah kna, nasib bdn laa. hrap2 hidung ko ya pecah. xku duli koh. LANTAK KO LAAAAA!!!! choooyyyyyy!!! .|. Hmmmm. tok cgek g msalah, knak ku tok myusahkan hdup nya ou. Paloi na juak ko katie2, tnga ko pa ko dah polah an nya,. ko x pnah da masa utknya, xpnah mmhaminya. cuba pkey, pa nok ko pnah polah tok nya???? xda nak. paloi2. *Hmmmmmm.... bkn tok nok aku mok. aku cuma mok nya paham prasaan aku jak, aku xmok nya tlibat an msalah aku, mcm la nya xtauk ku tok, xsuka mnyussahkan nya baaa. please laaa. cba pkey cmney mun nya lam keadaan aku?? </3 Hancur tauk x aty ku tek time tnga status nok nya pdah ku xmmahami nya. hancur2. xtauk g ku mok mdah apa. mgalir aeq mata baca pa nok nya pdah. aku sdar aku spa, nang dari dlok2 xpnah da owg nok bna2 syg aku. mdah syg gilak2 pa suma, xkan polah tok, xkan polah ya, but i know, THATS ALL NONSENSE. aku xda hak mok nanok2 owg smbarangn, aku xdahak mk ngajar owg, aku xda hak mk mksa owg bna2 sygkan aku, aku xbhak atas apa2. aku tauk spa drik aku, bab ya aku lebih suka hdup sorang2, mun klua an kwn pun just happy utk smntara jak.hdp aku kosong, xda bnda nok best.p cgek jak, aku tauk pa ku buat n ku still leh fkir an waras, cuma kdg2 mun ku dah desperated alu2 ya, cdeh thap dewa, nang ku lukakan drik. bru ku puas aty.biar owg mdah ku tok gila ka apa, this is me,okay? korang trimak or x, tpulang k? ku x mksa. I KNOW WHO I AM.*

 To theLOVEone, i dont know what should i say to u. i just can say im so sorry 4 everything. By xperfect. by xbaka pgn dear suba, by xmnah baka cda. by cg ketu, sorry. by xulih brbah, coz dari suba2 by mmg ketu.sorry syg, by xspt indu yg dear kak. im so so sorry 4 everything. I have so much that i want to give but u do not want to receive. Hmmmm. i also have so much that i want to say to u but i didnt have a guts to tell u. its all about my feeling, im scared to love u, coz i dont wanna lose u. :'( I have so much that i want to show, i have so much that i want to do but u do not want to be with. :'| I have too much love b4, but u cannot understand. And now i realise that i am in love with u. U know what dear? I always sad on ur behaviour. But, nvm, i still love u. i really do. :') Muaaahhhssss.

arghh.. Bloggie dear, really2 need a doctor right now, please fix me, im broken enough. </3 HELP ME GOD...... Give me strength to faced all of my problems. I have nobody who really2 understand my situation. i just have u God, save me from this pain. aku xkuat mok hadapi suma tok, ku xda spa2 g. cdeh ku baaa. im all alone, everyday n its gonna be forever. I knowww..... It will be better if i am dead, kan? no more problems, no more tears, no more loneliness, no more pain. I really wish. pray 4 me, aite? Wuwuwwuwuuwuwuwuwuuu..... speechless dah ku.. OFF# bye~ </3 x'(

Be here to love me

Hey bloggie. I miss u laaa. What goes around comes around. LOLS.*sbrg jak bnda ku pdah eh* Btw, next week holidays, A week. Hmmmmmmmm.... Happy? Nope. Sad? not oso. I feel NOTHING actually. Hmmm. I miss theLOVEone. Hope tmorow i can meet him. Syg, i love you. Dont u ever hurt me okay? *tatok mode* x') U know what?Its amazing how i feel when im around u n how my heart pounds when u come into my life. I look at u n think. Oh my God! How lovely it was, i had him in my life. :) and everything i am bursts into bloom. Plus, i feel as though u must, u must be mine, not as a possession but a goal. A goal that God's gave to me. As though i were about to enter heaven or just within the hour condemned to die. My mind with one fierce thought keeps running over, with u, and only u, the reason why i still keep alive. I love u so much dear. u make me laugh when i want to cry, make me live when i want to die, make me smile when i want to frown. U turn my life upside down, believe in me when no one else does, u're my now, my is, my was. When u call my name i begin to blush. im afraid people notice i need u so much. Syg,when im with u time flies by fast, its like the present is the past. I need u more than u can believe, love u more than u can conceive. i think about u every night and day and hope my life can stay this way.I dont want it to be any other way. Theres nothing much i can say, errr. SPEECHLESS. ==" GTG now, Im not in a good condition, this things that happen around me totally mess me up. x'( Bye~